Perspective Part 2

So just like working at a potato factory can give a girl some perspective, so can living in a dastardly backpackers. Here are my top 10 home-related things that I will never take for granted EVER AGAIN. (AKA 10 more first world issues)

1. Sleeping in a double bed
The last time I slept in a single bed or bunk bed for that matter, I was afraid of porcelain dolls and the deep end of the pool. Okay I am still terrified of both but you get the point. Oh the utter amazeballs-ness of a big beautiful queen bed with freshly laundered sheets - free from the stains of the 100 people who used them before me.

2. Sleeping in a room alone (or maybe just 1 more person)
Having to deal with the bodily noises and smells of other people is not ideal. Snoring, turning the light on every 5 minutes, inviting bed fellows to your bunk whilst I am OBVIOUSLY awake and in the middle of a Girls marathon, and making some seriously odious emissions just before bedtime...NOT COOL. Oh the joys of lying alone in bed, reading trashy mags and nibbling on my fourth (okay eighth) piece of chocolate without judgement!  

3. Drinking wine from an actual bottle and in an actual glass
Upon arrival at the backpackers you are allocated a set of mismatched cutlery and crockery. Nothing says class more than drinking goon out of a tea cup with a clown lying provocatively on its side. Take me back to a world where drinks mean a well priced glass of pinot noir in an oversized wine glass. YUM.

4. Having a big kitchen all to myself
Fighting around 20 people over a hob, the microwave etc became a daily nightmare. Having to enact a Braveheart-like battle to actually cook something and trying to carve a small, clean surface amongst the hurricane-like MESS was harrowing. EW EW EW. 

5. Eating food that takes longer than 2 minutes to cook
After working a 15 hour shift I can't say I was always in the mood to cook. Steamed broccoli, 2 minute noodles and a splash of soy sauce pretty much became my staple.

6. Having my own bathroom
Limited to 5 minute showers, waiting in line for one (yes ONE) functioning toilet, fighting for mirror space and fending off face cream and fancy UK converter thieves shall not be missed!

7. Listening to my music
Italian gangster rap in the kitchen, Shaggy in the courtyard, Britney bleeding Spears in the bathroom, Cher in the corridor, German house music at 4am on the way to work. YOUR MUSIC OFFENDS MY EARS.

8. Having my own TV
DAAAAMN the fecking creators of Xbox and FIFA. It was near impossible to pry the male contingent of the backpackers from those bloody consoles. On a positive note my mildly problematic TV addiction has been somewhat curbed.

9. Having privacy
My friend Tanja had the fine idea of a 'People Diet' which is one of the after effects of living in a packed backpackers for several months. It's really just SO much better being able to run to the loo in your underwear in the middle of the night without having to pass 20 goon guzzling youths on the way. 

10. Peace and goddamn quiet
Living with around 60 other people has it's issues. Working different hours and on different days means that there is always someone up for a party. And nothing destroys the soul more than an all night rager happening in the dining room when you are depending on 3, maybe 4, sweet hours of sleep. There also seemed to be a vicious cycle in place where people were always attempting to exact revenge on partiers from the night before...

Perspective Part 1

Working full time in a potato factory can really give a girl some perspective! Here is my list of 10 work-related things that I will never take for granted EVER AGAIN. 

1. Working 9 to 5

Only working a mere 7 hours with a glorious 1 hour lunch break is pretty much a dream come true. Working anywhere between 10 - 16 hours whilst on your feet, staring at potatoes and getting yelled at by a bearded lady is the shit of NIGHTMARES.

2. Only getting up at 7am to get ready for work

Oh what a beaaaaaaautiful morning!

versus getting up at 3:30am

Somebody kill me!

3. Wearing nice clothes

There is nothing quite as depressing as wearing a blue hair net, a luminous yellow vest and at least 7 hideous layers to try and keep the cold at bay. I pretty much feel like a dusty yellow marshmellow man at all times. Oh to wear dresses and skirts and blazers and shoes that don't have an orthopaedic function. RESULT.

What to wear? What to wear?

4. Drinking super delicious lattes on my way to work

Nothing better than a single shot, skinny latte made with REAL coffee from some exotic location and made with REAL milk...from a cow. The several cups of coffee consumed each day at the factory are made with no name brand coffee and with powdered milk...POWDERED milk. 

5. Going to the ladies whenever I damn well please

Having to wait for some lady with a 'toilet relief' badge to take my potato grading place whilst I nip to the loo. Outrageous! I have become too scared to drink water with the fear that toilet relief has, in fact, gone AWOL.

6. Zero fear of getting bitten by a snake when going to the ladies

Can't say I will miss finally arriving in the ladies only to look up and see this poster. OH GREAT...just great.

7. Staring at a computer all day

I used to complain about having to stare at a computer all day long. Well, that was before I traded in my computer for potatoes. NEWSFLASH - you can't look at Facebook/BuzzFeed/Gmail/Funny Cat Videos on a potato can you?! POTATOES = 0% entertainment value. FACT.

8. Eating 

I used to love a leisurely stroll through the city streets before deciding on some delicious Itsu sushi or perhaps a M&S rainbow salad for lunch. ALAS, now I am faced with a dodgy tuna sandwich that I made at 4am because I forgot to sort something out the night before. DRAT.

9. Office Banter

I am totes rebellious and chit chat with the girls (the girls being hairy chin Heather and kiwi Julie - both in their 50s), but it's pretty much frowned upon. HOW IS TALKING A CRIME?  But yes, I long for the days of office bants, birthday treats, hook up rumours, bitching sessions in the kitchen, office games, bake offs and general chats about life and love and the weather (yes I am total Brit in that respect).

10. After Work Drinks

Oh how I miss after work drinks that involve an actual bar, with actual ambience, and wine that is more expensive than a loaf of bread. Lately I have been enjoying some super classy nights of downing half a box of goon before passing out in my bunk bed. RAD.

Eat, Sleep, Grade, Repeat

So I thought I would give you a little 'day in the life' account of a lowly potato grader...

3:20 – Alarm goes off

3:23 – Alarm goes off again

3:24 – Sob briefly into my pillow before getting dressed by torchlight

3:35 – Wash face and examine the intensity of bloodshot eyes

3:45 – Sit down to a delicious porridge breakfast…nom

4:00 – Brush teeth, grab lunch and head to Tanja’s Pajero.

4:15 – 40 minute drive, in the dark, to the factory

4:52 – See lights of factory and sob quietly to myself again

4:57 – Mad dash to grab desperately needed caffeine fix before clocking in

5:00 – Gloves and hair net on, check the board and run to nearest open grading table

5:15 – Begin calculating when work will potentially end. There are 320 tonnes so best base scenario each 40 tonnes will take 1 hour 15 minutes. So 10 hours plus a half hour lunch break and 3 x 10 minute breaks = 16:00 finish! Worse case scenario each 40 tonnes will take 1 hour 30 minutes. So 12 hours plus a half hour lunch break and 4 x 10 minute breaks = 18:10 finish!

5:45 – Manoeuvre beanie/hoodie/hairnet so supervisor will not see headphones

6:00 – It’s only 6 o’clock??! Why did I look at the clock! Only 2 more hours till break number 1. FML

6:20 – Get yelled at by hairy chinned, scary as fuck, quality controller for too many COLD CRACKS!

7:05 – It’s only 7:05??! Why did I look at the clock! Goddamnit.

7:40 – Woop woop! There is the green light! First 80 tonnes done! Brrrrap!

7:50 – Potatoes come to a grinding holt, break bell rings. Pace it back to the canteen for coffee number 2. Freeze tits off for 5 min before running back inside and rotate to the next table.

8:00 – Indian NBF starts painful round of eye-spy...something that starts with P? Um POTATO!?

9:30 – Woop woop! There is the green light! Next 40 tonnes done! Brrrrap!

10:00 – Potatoes come to a grinding holt, break bell rings. Pace it back to the canteen for coffee number 3. Freeze tits off for 5 min before running back inside and rotate to the next table.

10:45 – Start drifting off to sleep so ask Indian NBF to play another game. Start painful round of 20 Questions...no a skunk is not in fact the same size as a horse!?

12:30 – Lunch bells rings! Pace it back to the canteen for coffee number 4 as well as tuna sarmie and apple. Nom. Debate what time we will end for at least 20 minutes.

13:00 – Back to work. 'One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four...'

13:30 - Get sent to the specials table to pick out the minging-est potatoes. This station is right at end of the line and the machine is extra noisy, THUS begin singing the South African national anthem on full blast, on repeat, for an hour and half!  

14:00 – Green light! 80 Tonnes to go....recalculate finishing time...um 5pm finish perhaps?

15:00 – Potatoes come to a grinding holt, break bell rings. Pace it back to the canteen for coffee number 5. Freeze tits off for 5 min before running back inside and rotate to the next table.

15:10 – Walk round to the other side of the factory - it's Cocktail (potato) Hour! 

17:05 – Green light! Sweep up, clean up, clock out and fly outta there.

18:00 – Arrive back at backpackers and straight to the shower to rub off the filth of the factory. Ew.

18:45 – To the kitchen to battle it out over microwaves, hobs and ovens. 

19:15 – Delicious dinner of noodles, spinach, broccoli and tuna devoured.

19:30 - Midnight  – GOON TIME. Solid 4 hours of boxed wine consumption ensues, maybe a little dodge pong (a variation of beer pong), a couple of drinking card games, definitely a lot of banter, an occasional bit of dancing on benches and some pretty inappropriate behaviour in general.

00:05 – Hop into bed and look at phone. Oh sweet Jesus I have to be up in 3 hours. Sleep sleeeeeep must sleeeeep.

00:37 – Aaaand asleep.

The Make Over Edition

So I know I have been promising a pic of me in a hair net but if I am going down then I am taking a few of the girls down with me! Thanks Ashton and Tanja! :)

I know I have a trout pouting problem like the rest of the selfie generation so please get over it! Also, I am also dressed as a chav in my after pic so forgive the 'gold' hoop earrings...

     

       

Billy No Mates

So I have gone from billy-no-mates to um...billy-with-mates! Hurrah. Quite a relief that I am not totally devoid of all social skills, have what some people deem ‘quality bants’ and am not a total loner. Result. 

So when I first arrived there was quite a big group who had been there all summer and were all the best of friends and weren't too interested in new people. But as they have shipped out, new people have arrived and we have created our own little family of sorts.

The NBF

So, on my 3rd day in the hostel I met a German girl called Tanja who started work with me on the following day. We hit it off pretty well, she seemed quite funny and a little strange so I knew we would get on just fine.

She looks quite Scandinavian with very blonde hair and tanned, flawless skin. She replaces her v’s with w’s saying things like ‘ah this looks like my willage’ and ‘do you like my high wis west’. Thats totes grounds for friendship right there. Over the last few weeks we have become good mates: driving to work together, grading potatoes together, smashing potatoes together, shopping together, cooking together (well she cooks and I eat), going on day missions together, flirting with backpacker boys together, watching movies together and more than anything we have done a LOT of goon drinking together. We also figured out that we have both been reading updates on the hellogiggles website each morning before work. WEIRD.

A few random facts about Tanja:
1. She must hate mornings more than anyone I have ever met, to the point where I don't even try to talk to her until we arrive at work. But whilst she HATES mornings, she is ridiculously happy for the rest of the day so it all balances outs.
2. She (like me) hates licorice.
3. She has a grandpa called *cough* 'Adolf'.
4. Her nicknames include Panda Donut, Tina or Gina Wilde.

Chav Night. Innit.

The Pot Smoking Italians

When I first arrived I was sharing a four man room with 2 Italians, Federica and Marco. Federica was vivacious and blonde, with a scattering of tattoos. Marco was tall and skinny with bloodshot eyes, a cheshire cat smile and teeth that looked like he had been sipping red wine all day. 

The most surprising thing about him was how such a big snore could come out of someone so slight. He literally sounded like an overweight trucker with a violent chest infection. The room ALWAYS smelled of weed and alcohol body fumes, which wasn't all too ideal. They left a few weeks ago and Tanja has since moved in as well as an Irish girl called Rebecca.

The Stalker

I also had a stalker on my first week. Yip. He was a German who admitted to lying about his age (red flag number 1), who invited me to go to New Zealand with him an hour after meeting him (red flag number 2), who practically kidnapped me after work one day - taking me up the hill for some sort of romantic picnic (red flag number 3), who changed my name on the board so I would be in his car on the way to work (um ring ring 'yes this is the mayor of crazy town'). I managed to get rid of him quite quickly which is a relief and he has since started preying on some poor Asian girls.

Yikes!

The Kooples

Will and Jean, Luke and Kelly, Nadia and Scott are all in their mid-twenties and from the UK or Ireland and are really lovely sorts. We sit with them during breaks at work and always join them for some drinking games on days off. Last week we played the Back to the Future drinking game where you have to drink every time McFly, Marty, Doc or Biff is said. Sounds easy right? I didn't even make it to the end of the movie. What a granny! Jokes it was actually because I was drinking for the better part of the afternoon and can't handle too much goon.

The Young Brits
These ladies are a bit younger with big hair, big make up (on saturday nights) and with pretty big personalities to match. They are all good fun, a bit wild and tend to dominate the beer pong table and music selection. In my first week one of these girls was having the fattest moan about being 19 years old. UM I AM A DECADE OLDER THAN YOU SWEETPEA. Jesus. 

The Geezer

Tom is just 22 and a big giant of a brown haired boy. He is from somewhere near Luton and sounds like such a London geezer that I can't help but have a soft spot for him. He fancies himself a bit of a charmer (which he surprisingly is), reckons he knows it all and loves a bit of a gossip, which isn't ideal when it is about me! He throws potatoes at me at work and smacks my head with a broom which is also really great (naaat). But he is a little brother type that needs looking after so I feed him goon and make him eggs and soldiers in the morning.

The Other Italians

This band of Italian boys speak so little English that I am not sure how they have survived so long in Australia. They wear baggy 90s jeans that dangle below their bums and always seem to be carrying overflowing pans of pasta around the backpackers. The one guy also always wears this beanie with flaps over the ears that has some sort of creature on it. The combo of the hat, the tufty facial hair and Italian-ness ALWAYS makes me think of Rizzo the Rat from the muppets.

Anyway, they are always cooking these almighty feasts in the kitchen and I have been so lucky to have a little sample here and there if I am loitering in the kitchen at the right time. This is just great except the one time I was tricked into eating some heart. HEART! Aaaaaaaah.

The Estonians

These guys are pretty ummm...weird. The one guy is a skinhead called Silver, he has these alien ice blue eyes and is always wearing starched 80s tennis shorts even though it is like 5 degrees. They arrived on a Saturday which is the big party night of the week and I totes recall them getting their creep on and coming into our room at 4am before I swiftly kicked them out.

Anyway, the Estonians and Italians have combined forces and are all hooking up with the cute gang of Asian girls. Not all too certain how they communicate but they all seems very happy.

The Scouser Brothers

These lads have the strongest Scouser accents I have ever heard! I have no idea what the FECK they are saying. They might as well be speaking Vietnamese.

Will and Grethe
These two are the most couple-ish non-couple ever. I was convinced they have been together for years when they have only been dating for a few short weeks. We have spent a great many evenings spinning yarns and drinking goon outside with them. Grethe is Swedish but has dyed brown hair (rebel). She is pretty and quite alternative with a bolt through her nose but she quoted Mean Girls the first time I met her so I knew we would get along alright.

Will is a Brit with a big variety of those cool caps with the visor bits that stick up and he is besties with the toy boy and big Tom.

The Toyboy
Why is it that as soon as you swear men off for a while that in that exact moment one strolls into the backpackers and starts chatting you up in the kitchen. I guess all great tales need a little love interest correct?  Well, mine has come in the form of an olive skinned, browned eyed, young *cough*, rather handsome, Colombian man. He speaks Spanish, obviously, which means he rolls all his r's, purring like a damn tomcat in my ear. So yep, pretty hard to resist.

He is really um affectionate and pretty pro-PDA which makes for a massive change from my last 2 boyfriends. It's a little disconcerting as I am really not used to it and it's a little strange/horrifying being the person to make everyone reach for a vom bag for a change.

I'm a little confused by what is happening but I think I must have been temporarily smacked with the 'mad game' stick because the boy even tried to kiss me at my work. Running on 3 hours of sleep with some seriously bloodshot eyes and wearing a hair net...um it's not really ideal for any sort of romance.

A little slice of Backpacker Life
I will definitely divulge a few stories but here is a little taster of what life has been like in the backpackers. In the last week, for example, we have had visits from the police, the fire department and an ambulance (some more than once).

There have been make ups, break ups, hook ups, punch ups, dance offs, drink offs, beat box battles, a few tears, some massive laughs and a generally large amount of scandal. WOW.

There are lots more friends and freaks to tell you about but not enough time today because I am off wine tasting!

More bants from the farmlands soon.

xx

Potato Ponderings

So in the last 3 days I have worked 43 hours which is pretty hilarious as the average 5 day week is 40 - 45 hours.

On day one of my 3 days of hell I worked 16 and half hours. Outrageous I know. One thought I had on this very long and painful day was just how much extra thinking I have been doing. Obviously everyone thinks a million random thoughts a day but back in London, during work hours, I would either be totally focussed on the task at hand (naturally), messaging my friends about weekend plans, rehashing the events from the previous weekend or looking at viral cat videos/images. But staring at potatoes rolling along all day really opens up your time and really allows you the chance to delve into life’s quandaries *cough*.

Here is a small glimpse into a few of my thoughts on this particular day:

The News:

I thought about how I have no idea what is going on in the world aside from a few Metro News updates I have caught on Facebook. Not sure if articles about a woman giving birth to a lizard or a drunk moose who fell into a pond is really the hard hitting news I am looking for, but I will take what I can get....

Potatoes:

Kind of Current Events:

Oh my god - how about episode 8 of season 4 of Game Thrones. WHAT THE FUUUUCK.

Did that just happen?

My Trainer:

I haven't seen my New Guinean trainer since week one as we have been on different schedules but I finally caught up with her this week. She is so adorable and reminds me so much of my amazing housekeeper, Angelina, because she is all cuddly and cute and has this big warm laugh. She does, however, have a faded tribal tattoo on her forehead - maybe she is one of those Yanomamo Indians of Papua, New Guinea that I learned about in Social Anthropology 101? Nah she totally doesn't seem the raping/pillaging/cannibalistic sort. She is also another one that I can't understand for the life of me. She sounds JUST like all the adults on Charlie Brown.

LISTEN HERE

Climate Change:

So my ex, who I recently visited in New Zealand, airdropped this series called Vice onto my computer. I have been way too absorbed in other really educational shows like Girls, True Detective and Game of Thrones but once I ran out of these I started watching Vice as a sort of last resort. Well, this show is AMAZING. Each episode is divided into two 20 minute documentaries about things like corruption in Afghanistan, scrappers in America, the crime situation in Rio ahead of the World Cup and various other subjects. It’s awesome because it is just a great slice of educational info about some really prevalent issues.

One that has been playing on my mind a lot, perhaps because I feel pretty guilty about my lack of knowledge about it, is the issue of climate change and the melting ice caps in Greenland. What I learnt from this episode is that if all of the ice in Greenland melted, it is a distinct scientific possibility, that 80 of world’s 100 biggest cities would be under water. LATERS Cape Town! And according to one scientist interviewed, climate change has outpaced the worst case scenarios that were observed 20 years ago.

I know Al Gore and some other important peeps reckon that if appropriate actions are taken soon, the effects of global warming can be successfully reversed by releasing less CO₂ and planting more vegetation to consume existing CO₂. I reckon we are gonna be fucked because humans are a bit useless really so I propose we start using some of those army helicopters that are going unused in Afghanistan (according to a different episode of Vice) and start shipping some of the melted sea water outta there. How about the Salt Water Swimming Pools for Everyone Initiative? 

Also my new bezzo, Tanja, told me that the average penguin has a temperature of 42 degrees. UMM no wonder the South Pole is freaking melting, let's ship those guys outta there too.

Solving world problems whilst grading potatoes! As you do!

Runnnnnnnnnnn!

The Hiccups:
I got a bad case of the hiccups for about an hour. Do you ever get the hiccups and sometimes have a panic attack that you will have them forever? IT TOTALLY HAPPENS! I have read several articles about people who had them for like decades. Anyway Tanja just told me that in Germany, if you get the hiccups it means that someone you know is with someone else but thinking about you. Well that is just GREAT. Juuuuuust GREAT.

Lorde's 'Ribs':
This song will usually pop into my head once a day. It reminds me of going over Waterloo Bridge on the way to work. Now, I haven't been suffering from too much FOMO but I did have tickets to see Arcade Fire in Earl's Court a few weeks ago and my bestie, Kate, said that Lorde and 2manyDJS were the support acts. *Sob*

LISTEN HERE

More Potatoes:

Diet:
So over the last few years I have gotten quite into exercising regularly and eating healthily. I have gone on a few runs over the last few months and have tried to keep things as healthy as a lowly backpacker can (excluding my sky-rocketing goon consumption) but today I thought about this article I read about how you can burn between 300 and 500 calories a day just from fidgeting. As a potato grader I am doing some pretty frantic fidgeting for sometimes 16 hours a day so I must burn at least around 1000 or more calories a day. It is also SO unbelievably cold in the factory; I literally wear 5 layers or more and still freeze my tits off so I must also be burning loads of calories trying to keep warm. So with these facts in mind - I am burning roughly 1500 calories a day, the average female calorie intake is 1500 a day THUS I can eat cake for dinner.

Sport: 

Chirp Chirp

Mathematics:

Right so upon hitting the 12th hour into a 16 hour shift:
The number of potatoes graded so far = 
The number of fucks given
This number of fucks then doubles every hour until work is completed

And of course more potatoes:

Seed Shed

So today was my fourth time in the glorious seed shed. Tanja (my German NBF) and I have been lucky enough to score an extra day of work in said shed since we started! Proof that it never hurts to ask and/or be a big bad suck up and/or to get your waps out!

This shed is a lot better than our usual shed as there are only 3 workers, a forklift driver and our supervisor. We are under constant supervision at the big, bad, main shed - getting crapped on for over or under grading, being late, singing Christmas carols in June etc. But in the shed where potatoes go to die and quality doesn’t matter, work is a lot less stressful, because, YES, grading potatoes can be very, very stressful.

So there are two jobs in the seed shed. The first role involves standing up some stairs at a conveyor belt where the old potatoes are delivered. Here the potatoes are sprayed with red fungicide and coming bouncing along the conveyor belt, literally all bloodied and screaming, whilst you find the most rotten or fossilised looking of them all and send them to their deaths in the waste bin. Glamorous I know.


View from the top. Or very bottom depending
on which way you look at it.

These then bounce along some other machine then onto another conveyor belt. There is more potato screams of despair as they head to the slicer that cuts them all up and spits them onto yet another conveyor belt, headed to their evil executioners/circumsizers (depending on the shape of the potato). This is job number two. On this conveyor belt there are some blades attached to the side and we have to find any potatoes that the slicer missed and we get to ‘SMASH THE POTATO’ (said in evil German accent followed by evil laughter).

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the massacred spuds as these are then replanted/resurrected to create brand new potatoes. Mind blowing I know.

So during a day in the seed shed there are a few movies/characters that always seem to roll through my mind.

1.Bane
We have to wear these mouth mask thingies that make me feel like Bane from Dark Knight Rises. So for the first good hour of work all my thoughts are said in a Bane voice. I end up sounding like Sean Connery (yes still in my head) and (yes for the record I can do a mean Sean Connery accent not just in my head). BUT seriously, do their voices not sound exactly the same?

I also do a little dance like this when I see the potatoes rolling toward me...

2. The Shawshank Redemption
During our lunch break we sit at a small table just outside of the warehouse instead of our usual lunch area on the other side of the property. Something about the stark light, the massive concrete area where the empty crates are kept and me imaginging my water bottle is a cold beer, reminds me of that scene when Andy and some of the inmates do some work tarring the roof. Probably not great that I am comparing my life to a film about a tres depressing high security prison but anyway. 

3. Zoolander.
Regardless of my gloves and mask and various pieces of protective, dead sexy, workwear, I always come out of there with black panda eyes, black smears everywhere, coughing dramatically and declaring that I have the black lung.

4. Shrek
This one was a once off just because I found a potato that looked like Shrek...who soon met his fate. Moo ha ha.

 
5. Waterboy
So the forklift driver aka the man who gives us free chocolate who I cannot understand at all, well he has reminded of me of someone since I met him and I just have not been able to put my finger on it. So you know that coach, Farmer Fran, from Waterboy who no one can understand...BINGO.

Sorry for the delay in posting but I have had some WIFI issues! Up next are some scandalous tales from the backpackers as well as tips on how to NOT lose your mind whilst working 17 hours in one day.

Laters! xx